Intentionality, Not Perfection: A Kinder Way to Live

Mary Huhn

When I use the word intentionality, I am not talking about being rigid, or impressive, or spiritual in some big dramatic way. I mean something much kinder than that. I mean a gentle turning of attention. A small choosing. A soft, inward, [warmly] oh yes, here I am. This matters. Let me come back.

Mary Huhn

That word gets used a lot these days. Live with intention. Be intentional. And sometimes it starts to sound like one more thing we are supposed to do well. I don't mean it that way at all. I mean it as an invitation. Not a performance. Not a grade. Certainly not a reason to judge yourself.

Mary Huhn

Our minds drift. Of course they do. They go to worry, memory, regret, planning, irritation. They run old loops. They protect us the best way they know how. So when we notice that we have wandered off into fear or self-criticism, that is not failure. That noticing is already the beginning of something helpful.

Mary Huhn

I sometimes think of intentionality as simply saying to ourselves, very quietly, [softly] where would I like to place my attention now? Not forever. Not for the rest of the week. Just now. Right here. Can I notice my breath? Can I notice the taste of this tea? Can I notice that I am getting tense when someone speaks to me in a certain tone? Can I notice that I am talking to myself harshly again?

Mary Huhn

And then maybe, maybe, I guide myself back. Not yank. Not scold. Guide. Like leading a child by the hand. That matters a great deal to me, because many of us grew up with too much harshness already. We do not need more of it from ourselves.

Mary Huhn

As we age, these small moments of noticing can become even more precious. Life may get slower in some ways, but richer in others. A warm hand. A good peach. Sun coming through the window. A conversation that lands in the heart. Also the harder things: the ache in the body, the loneliness that can sneak up, the fear after a medical appointment, the loss of people we love. Intentionality does not erase any of that. It helps us meet it with a little more presence.

Mary Huhn

And I think that is important. Because later life is full of messages, spoken and unspoken, about what is ending. Intentionality helps us notice what is still here. What is still growing. What is still possible. Sometimes the smallest act in the world is to pause and say, I am here, and this moment is worth meeting.

Mary Huhn

This is where intentionality brings the Judgment Free Zone, or JFZ, to life. The JFZ is not magic. I wish it were. It is a practice. And like any practice, it works best when we come to it with at least a little openness. Not perfect openness. Good Enough openness. Just enough willingness to say, maybe I don't have to believe every unkind thing my mind says.

Mary Huhn

Most of us have a quick inner critic. It can sound very convincing too. You should be stronger. You shouldn't need help. You look old. You forgot that again. You're too much trouble. Honestly, that voice can move so fast we hardly know it is there. Intentionality gives us a pause. It lets us say, [curious] wait a minute, what just happened inside me?

Mary Huhn

That is self-noticing. I noticed I tensed up. I noticed I felt ashamed. I noticed I started comparing myself to who I used to be, or who I think I ought to be. That little bit of noticing opens the door. Then the JFZ says, all right, can we try a different response here?

Mary Huhn

Maybe the different response is very simple. Instead of, I'm ridiculous, we say, I'm having a hard moment. Instead of, I should be able to do this alone, we say, it is human to need help. Instead of, I'm too old for that, we say, let me see what is actually true for me, not just what people assume is true about older adults.

Mary Huhn

That last one matters. Because ageism is sneaky. It comes from outside, and after a while it can start speaking from the inside too. People may talk to us as if we are less able, less interesting, less alive, less able to choose. Sometimes whole environments get organized around unnecessary restriction. Hurry up. Sit down. Don't try that. Leave it to someone younger. Well, maybe sometimes caution is wise. Of course. But sometimes those messages shrink a person before life has asked them to shrink.

Mary Huhn

So intentionality can be a gentle resistance. Not rebellion for the sake of rebellion. Just a kind, grounded question: is this limit real, or have I simply been handed it? Can I pause before agreeing that I am less capable? Can I meet myself from Good Enough instead of from shame?

Mary Huhn

To me, that is the heart of it. Not getting it right every time. Not never judging yourself again. Lord knows I wouldn't promise that. The heart of it is willingness. A willingness to notice, to pause, and to try again from a kinder place.

Mary Huhn

Over many years as a therapist, what I saw again and again was that people are not helped most by being pushed or fixed. They are helped when they participate in their own lives with honesty and some courage. Usually in very small moments. A person tells the truth for the first time. A person notices they are scared instead of covering it over. A person comes back after feeling discouraged. Those moments may look small from the outside, but they are not small.

Mary Huhn

That is why intentionality means so much to me. It is human-sized. It does not ask for grand declarations. It asks, can you choose this next moment with a little awareness? Can you return to yourself without punishment? Can you meet what is here with curiosity instead of immediate judgment?

Mary Huhn

In later life, that can be especially powerful. There are all kinds of quiet pressures that can narrow a person's world. Sometimes it is grief. Sometimes fear. Sometimes other people's assumptions. Sometimes our own habits of stepping back. Intentionality can help us push back gently. Maybe I do ask the question. Maybe I do go to the workshop. Maybe I do speak up at the table. Maybe I do take time to savor something lovely instead of rushing past it. Maybe I do keep using the strength I still have, in my hands, in my mind, in my heart.

Mary Huhn

I want to be clear, this is not about pretending everything is easy. It isn't. Bodies change. Loss is real. Some days are plain hard. But even then, there can be a way of being present that is softer and more respectful. We can say, this is my life today, and I would like to meet it as kindly as I can.

Mary Huhn

If you take anything from this, I hope it is that intentionality is not one more burden to carry. It is a companion. A way of coming home to yourself. A little pause that says, I do not have to live only by habit, fear, or somebody else's picture of who I am now.

Mary Huhn

You can begin very simply. Notice one thing. Name one feeling. Interrupt one harsh sentence. Enjoy one good moment on purpose. That is enough. More than enough, really. Good Enough is plenty to begin with. And we'll keep talking together about these small ways of living that help us stay awake to our own lives.